Respond or Refuse?
Upon returning from my 6 month trip to Cambodia in November, Pastor Bill Wilson asked me to do a short video telling of my experiences and encouraging others to rise up to the purpose for their lives.
Now I pass the challenge onto you. Will you respond to the calling on your life, or reject it?
Take a quick look at the video below…
Thanks to Helen Campbell c/o Green Pastures for creating this wee video!
Keeping Up Appearances
“Did you see me daddy?” I asked as I looked up into the video camera as a blue eyed, blonde haired, ‘butter wouldn’t melt’ faced 3 year old. All I did was run about the garden; not really anything worth noticing is it? Yet I got so excited just hoping that my dad would see me. And as I watched back this video I began to realise how much love and acceptance I actually felt just by being noticed by my dad. In fact, I probably made sure to run the best and fastest I had ever ran in the garden, just because I knew dad was watching.
It’s a lovely picture isn’t it? An excited child seeking for the approval, love and praise of their parents. Yet it provokes a thought in me – when did this begin? Is approval something we are born to desire, or is it merely a side effect of our surroundings? Is this longing for approval hereditary, or do we simply inherit it from doing life?
Sadly approval addiction is something which many of us have fallen prey to. Many of us have become so dependent on it, just waiting for our next “fix” of approval, acceptance or affirmation. It is no longer an innocent childlike pleasure, but rather it has become this infectious disease which distracts, weakens and limits individuals from reaching their full potential.
I didn’t realise just how dependent I was on the approval of others until a recent 6 month trip to Cambodia, South East Asia. When I went to Cambodia I was a size 8/10, when I left Cambodia I was a size 10/12…I put on almost a stone and a half in weight. And the dirty/dusty environment in Cambodia meant my skin was forever breaking out!
On the flip side pretty much everyone in Cambodia is unbelievably thin, with perfect skin and the honest upfront personality trait of ‘telling it like it is’. One thing’s for sure is that you know where you stand with the Cambodian community, and they had no problem in telling me how fat I had gotten and how many spots I had in the last 3-4 months of my stay there!!! The first few times they told me this, I got very hurt, very defensive, very upset and very embarrassed. My confidence levels went shooting down. I felt awful. I knew the Cambodian people meant no harm from what they were saying to me, they just said what they saw; yet to begin with I felt totally crippled by the remarks they had made. I began to wonder what was wrong with me as I sat feeling totally insecure about myself, and I soon discovered that I had placed far too high a value on the opinion of others in my life, and was not placing enough value on the opinion of God in my life. It was only when God started to reveal this to me that I looked inward to my heart and realised there was this approval addiction inside of me which I had to overcome.
It’s way too easy to get sucked into the life of “people pleasing” and living up to the expectations of others. It’s way too easy to get hooked on affirmation from others and to become so easily influenced by the perceptions of others in your life; isn’t it? But I must challenge you; if you are always living the way other people want you to live, then I have to ask, when are you ever really just being you?
When we get ourselves into this stupid mindset of valuing the opinions of others too highly, the approval of others becomes our make or break criteria. When others approve of us and our actions we are happy and confident, but when others disapprove of us and our actions we feel unloved and like a failure. The opinions of others can become so controlling that it will either limit us or progress us, and as such the approval of others ends up becoming the sole deciding factor for us in whether we succeed or fail in life.
Consequently we tend to end up living a false life, being this person other people want us to be so that we are guaranteed acceptance. We fit the mould just to fit in. We live a life in constant disguise, trying to feel accepted and appreciated for being this person we don’t even recognise anymore. We ignore what we feel is right for us as we desperately strive to be right for others. And although we often hear that “it’s ok to not be ok”, the reality is that it will never be ok to not be ok for someone caught up in approval addiction. A life for that person is based around false pretences, pretending all is well, hiding behind the mask of false protection, trying with all their might to hide themselves in order to protect themselves from the very thing they fear…rejection. And yet in doing so they are rejecting themselves unawares.
Stop for a moment and ask yourself… who is it that you are trying to please? Maybe it’s those parents who have high expectations for how they think your life should pan out, those parents that you have never felt love from and so you try to do what they expect you to do just to feel even a glimmer of love from them. Perhaps it’s that manipulative boyfriend you have been letting control you? Or maybe it’s that boyfriend you’ve been sleeping with just to keep him happy because you are scared you might lose him and feel unloved if you don’t. It could be that girl who treats you like dirt but who you hang onto anyway for fear of rejection. Is it your friends who want you to do things which you know are wrong? Are they influencing you in a negative way and pressuring you into wrong doing as a means of being accepted by them? Or dare I say it, is it your pastor or leader whom you constantly try to be seen and heard by, because to you being noticed by them means being accepted and approved? Because acceptance from them is the proof you need to convince yourself that you are not a nobody?
Let me ask you…what are your motives behind your actions and choices in life? Is it to impress others, or to impact others? Are you pleased to live, or do you just live to please? You see you do have the ability to totally impact others, if only you would just stop trying to impress others. Refuse to be limited by the perceptions others may have of you and start to live. While you are living to please you will seldom feel pleased to live. This is not about others. This is about you and your life which God has given to you. Don’t waste it. He wants to give you life in all its fullness. Don’t miss out on that for the sake of others!
Far too many people waste their lives trying to please others. But what does it really benefit them? There comes a time in life when you just have to stop trying to change and control the opinions others will have of you and let people think what they want. The truth is that people are going to think what they want about you whether you like it or not…some people will like you, and others won’t – that’s life. You need to accept that and learn to be careful who you take your counsel from. People will always try to interfere and tell you how to live your life, but that doesn’t mean you should let them!!
Before I went to Cambodia, a lot of people didn’t agree with my decision to go, I was told I was too young, that I should just settle myself in N.I and was even told that nobody would take me seriously. I was told that the problems in Cambodia were too big and that I couldn’t really do anything to change that and told I couldn’t do it, shouldn’t do it and wouldn’t do it. Had I have listened to the opinions and interference of others in that decision, I never would have been in Cambodia which ended up being one of the best, most life changing moments of my life. Instead I chose to live for God, the only one who matters. I chose to honour God and put Him first, and in doing so God honoured me. I ended up getting so much support from people around me when I followed through on my decision and went to Cambodia. I experienced firsthand the promise from God’s word; “If God be for us, who could ever be against us?” Start believing that this promise is actually possible for your own life.
Start being yourself again. The person God created you to be. Be proud of who you are. Do what God needs you to do regardless of what others think. Stop placing such a high value on the opinion others have of you, and start listening carefully to the opinion God has of you. The purpose and provision of God in your life is not dependent upon, or limited by, the perception others have of your life.
Stop trying to be perfect. Truth is that you will never be perfect, BUT in God you will always be righteous!! Believe me when I say that God wouldn’t change you for the world. He has already accepted and approved you; you don’t need to worry about the approval of others when you have God’s approval. Don’t let self gratification become more important to you than God glorification. Seek God above all else.
You know, I still get excited about things in my life and often look up with my now not so cute, ‘butter probably would melt’ face and say “Did you see me daddy?”… But this time when I say that, it’s God I’m talking to.
Just wait and see…
Have you ever had one of those mornings when absolutely everything that could go wrong, does go wrong? I had one of those yesterday morning… I slept past my alarm. Then when I jumped up panicking to get ready, my contact lenses wouldn’t go in properly, I was tripping over leads in my room, and as I tried to change my clothes I fell. When I walked from the 3rd floor down to the ground floor I realized I left my sunglasses upstairs, but because I was already running 10 minutes late I had no time to go back and get them. I went to go outside to grab a moto for work, but my key decided to stop working and wouldn’t open the gate for ages. When I eventually got out of the house, I grabbed a moto and had dust flying into my eyes because I had no sunglasses on. The traffic was horrific, and the extreme braking and terrible driving of the moto driver had me nearly falling off the moto at one stage. It was just one of those mornings. A total disaster. And as I arrived to the office 10 minutes late I thought; ‘If this morning is anything to go by, I’m going to have a pretty rubbish day…’
It’s frustrating when you plan out how you want your day (or even your life!!) to go, and it doesn’t go according to plan isn’t it? We always try to make things happen the way we want them to happen, and we generally want those things right away. We don’t like waiting. In a technology filled world, we always want things faster. No more snail mail – it’s now quick phone calls, texts and emails. We use txt speech and cut out punctuation and grammar in our communication all so we can get information to travel faster. And in my house my sister actually rings me from her bedroom to my bedroom across the hall to ask me something rather than getting up and walking into my room because it’s quicker (or she’s just lazy haha!!). There is no time for waiting anymore.
So when the Bible says “Those who wait upon the Lord shall renew their strength”, I can’t help but wonder how that’s actually possible sometimes as waiting is hard…how could it possibly make you stronger? So I asked God. And I had a bit of a revelation and a change in my way of thinking. You see there are 2 types of waiting.
First of all there’s the type of waiting like you are stuck behind traffic. You can’t wait, you get frustrated, there’s queues of people all feeling the same way blaring their horns at each other which changes nothing other than increasing your level of frustration. This type of waiting builds negative emotions – stress, anger, frustration and annoyance. It is hard. It’s definitely not good. And often with this type of waiting we want to change things ourselves rather than just waiting. We try to find other routes to get to our destination instead; often to be found going a much longer way with bumpier roads, using a lot more fuel than we would have done if we had just waited a few minutes in the traffic.
The second type of waiting is like a child on Christmas Eve. Sure they have to wait, but it’s an exciting wait. An anticipation of what’s to come. A build up which makes the day of arrival even more exciting than it would have been had there not been the build up to it! It has the element of surprise. A ‘not knowing what’s coming’, but knowing that it’s going to be great! My mum and dad had this habit when I was young that if I ever asked them for anything they would say ‘just wait and see’. It used to really annoy me. I’d want to know one way or the other; am I getting it or not?! But after a while of them using this phrase on me…I began to love hearing it, because ‘wait and see’ always meant yes. Wait and see was always followed by something great. And so I’d get excited when I heard them say ‘wait and see’ because I knew it would be followed by me getting something awesome.
Are you seeing the parallel yet? You see the first type of waiting is hard. Often we don’t like to wait on God so we try to do things ourselves and find another way to get to where we are meant to be – usually bringing more bumps along the way and wasting more fuel and time than if we had just waited. And often in trying to do things ourselves we get lost. And so God has to put in diversions along the road to direct us back onto the path we were meant to be on in the first place, if only we had just waited on Him moving. This type of waiting makes us frustrated. It only ever brings out negative emotions and will not do us any good. In this type of waiting we focus only on how quickly we can get to the destination rather than thinking of where we are going and the safest and best way to get there. And just as on the road, rushing in life causes catastrophes!
But the second type of waiting is exciting. It’s about not knowing what is coming, but not having to know what’s coming either, because what you do know is that it’s going to be great. It is the mindset that the end result will be so worth the wait, and that the period of waiting before the destination actually just builds excitement and anticipation for the awesomeness that lies ahead for you! This is the ‘wait and see’ type of waiting. Trusting that what’s provided for you will be so much more than you hoped for and even better because of the buildup. This is the type of waiting which builds strength.
Those who wait upon the Lord shall renew their strength. Wait with excitement. Wait with anticipation. Renew your strength. Turn your time in the wilderness into your training ground. Switch off your worries as though you were waiting by the side of a river and feeling so peaceful. God’s ways are not always our ways. But we know that God’s way is always the best way. And it’s worth waiting for. Trust Him. And just wait and see…
“The heart of a man plans his way, but the Lord establishes his steps.” Proverbs 16:9
If you could only get to the other side!!
I like being tanned. On my days off in Cambodia I try to spend as much time out in the sun as possible. On Monday, I was off and decided to spend some time sitting out in the sun. I was so excited about sitting in the sun, listening to podcasts and topping up my tan. And then I went outside and realized that a big grey cloud was covering the sun. Gutted.
I looked over to one side of the sky and saw no clouds and this bright blue sky and I’m thinking to myself – sun if only you could get to the other side everything would be fine!! And then I discovered another random lesson God was trying to show me.
You see my first reaction was thinking that the purpose of the sun is to shine and I was annoyed at these sneaky little clouds destroying the sun’s purpose!! (Nothing at all to do with me not being able to get tanned of course…) Then it dawned on me that the clouds of life can stop us from living out our purpose. If we let them that is. You see as I looked closer I saw the rays of the sun still shining through the cloud and realised the clouds of life can put out our shine and stop us living out our purpose ONLY IF WE LET THEM!! The sun was still shining even behind the clouds.
Then I realised that even the clouds had their purpose.
Sometimes clouds shield us from the dangers of the sun. And in the same way, it is often the clouds and storms of life which protect us from the danger of being far away from God. Storms of life often draw us closer to God. They make us realise how much we need Him. If things were great all the time we would probably feel like we didn’t need God and could do it all on our own forgetting that He is the one who brought us to that point of awesomeness in the first place!!
I also discovered that without the clouds we wouldn’t realise just how good the sun was. Just as in life, without the bad times we wouldn’t know just how good the good times actually are.
Clouds/storms in life don’t seem good at the time. Sometimes it’s hard to find your place and where you are in life when you are covered by a cloud of problems. But the exciting thing is that those clouds have to move on!!! As I sat back and watched the sky for a few minutes I saw these clouds coming in on, and covering the sun…but I also saw them move on and eventually pass by. They could only stay for a short time. Clouds of problems in our lives can only stay for a short time and then they must move on!!!
And the funny thing I’ve noted since being in Cambodia is that sometimes it takes a storm to clear the way for extra sunshine. When there are so many days of cloudy skies, it takes one bad storm to clear the skies for extra sunshine and no clouds at all. So take heart because when we reach our lowest point, and hit ‘rock bottom’, we can just laugh in the devils face as we can’t go any lower – the only place we are going from here is UP. When things are at their worst, the only thing that can happen is for things to start going great!! Isn’t that something to look forward to?!
We can’t see in the spiritual realm what’s going on or what’s up ahead for us, and so it’s easy to get disheartened sometimes when problems come. But just as there was a cloud free patch in the sky, there is also a cloud free patch up ahead in your life if you stand your ground. Don’t let the clouds of life put out your shine and stop your purpose, but rather let them motivate you to hang on for that cloud free patch, to use those clouds for good and look on the BRIGHT side (what a pun!!).
You see, I reckon as I was sitting watching the sky and willing the sun to get to the other side; God is also looking down on us from Heaven. He sees that cloud free patch up ahead in your life and today He is willing you – “if you could only get to the other side!!”
Playing it Safe
Have you ever learnt a lesson through the most random and unrelated thing? I’ve discovered that sometimes God teaches me things in a funny way. I love that our God has a sense of humour! And He has done it again…
We don’t get mosquitoes back home. We don’t get little lizards. Our spiders are nowhere near as big as the ones here. And we definitely don’t get cockroaches.
And since being in Cambodia I have been freaked out over here by a lizard running out at me on the wall. I have been freaked out by a giant spider in the office– though a staff member did tell me that she eats bigger ones than that and they are delicious!!!! (I don’t for one second believe they are delicious). And put with this, I’m guaranteed almost every day to wake up with 3 or 4 mosquito bites. People have been telling me to sleep under my mosquito net for the past 2 weeks because I kept getting bitten. But I never wore the net.
On Sunday night I went into my bathroom and found a cockroach climbing up my shower hose. I was so creeped out, I shut the door and closed up any gap in any door or cupboard I could find in my room. All because of one tiny cockroach. I jumped into bed and then had a bright idea. I remembered my mosquito net. And after 4 weeks of being in Cambodia, I finally decided to sleep with my mosquito net around me. But for the purposes of protecting me from cockroaches rather than mosquitoes…
So what’s the lesson then?
Well firstly as I was sitting under the net I suddenly realised that the net might protect me from the cockroach during the night, but come the morning, the cockroach was still going to be in my bathroom. Hiding behind the net would not change anything. God showed me that sometimes we can hide behind things, our own little safety nets, getting this kind of false sense of security from them.
What is your safety net? Maybe you hide behind others. Maybe you hide behind your false smile. Maybe you hide behind the barriers and fronts you put around yourself. But whatever it is you choose to hide behind…it might protect you for a while. Protect you from getting hurt. Protect you from getting scared. But it will never change anything. And things will always stay the same. Those fears of yours will always be your fears. And those horrible situations you find yourself in will never change from hiding behind your little safety net and hoping it will all go away by itself.
You know, once I was under the net, and it was all tucked in under my mattress, I also realised I was pretty limited in what I could do. Sure I was protected. But I wasn’t going anywhere. It was great that nothing could get in, but at the same time I couldn’t get out. In the same way, when you hide behind things in life you are limited in what you can do. You won’t go far. And the real you won’t get out. In choosing to protect yourself, you are keeping yourself hidden. And you are closing yourself in. Options which would be available to you, aren’t an option to you when you are hiding behind your safety net…You not only limit yourself, but you limit your opportunities and you limit your potential. And hiding behind your safety net will eventually leave you feeling more trapped than secure…
As I sat under that net, I began to wonder why I had put in so much effort to protect myself from something so small and harmless. I wondered why my natural instinct was to run from something so tiny, and why I would even be scared of it. The first thing I realised was that I was scared of the unknown. What could happen. If I tried to do something, I didn’t know where the cockroach could go. And like life, sometimes we get scared of the unknown. The things which are out of our control. And it’s not so much the fear of the end destination, as it is the fear of what could happen along the way. The fear of implementing change and not knowing what way it could go, or where it would lead you to. So we feel like it’s safer not to even go there, or even try to do something.
I also realised that sometimes it’s not so much the big things in life which impact us, but more so all the little things. You see the big things, might be huge, but at least we see them coming. They are there in our face and we cannot ignore them. However the little things can sneak up on us without us even realising they are there. And when all the little things add up they become a big problem. Little things are harder to prepare for because we don’t even notice they are there. And quite often the devil will attack us through lots of little things. Without us even realising it’s happening. Even just a little thought. Something to tell you that you aren’t good enough, or you will never compare to somebody else, or even that your future will not work out and you will never get out of the bad situation you find yourself in at the minute. Little things can often sow in us the biggest fear. Lots of little things are normally harder to deal with and get rid of than one big thing. Little things can become a real pest. And it’s the little things we need to look out for.
And now how the story ended. The next morning I woke up and took a sneaky peek into the bathroom to see where the cockroach had gone. It had fallen onto my bathroom floor, but was still living. I reckon it had fallen off my shower – failed suicide attempt. I wanted to get rid of the cockroach, but again I was scared of what could happen. It took a few different ideas of how to get rid of the cockroach safely…but after about the third attempt, I finally got rid of the cockroach. I hated every minute of it. But in the end, I got rid of the cockroach. And for a girl who was totally creeped out by it, I reckon that’s some achievement!! You see what I learned from this outcome was that in facing my fear, I overcame my fear. I got the victory (albeit victory over a cockroach, but victory nonetheless). In the same way, when we choose to come out from behind our safety nets in life, we can face and overcome our fears. We can change things. We can claim the victory. Sure it might not be easy, we might hate every minute, but God promises to protect us, strengthen us, and to hold our hand through every step of the way. Isaiah 41:10 “Do not fear, for I am with you; do not be afraid, for I am your God. I will strengthen you; I will help you; I will hold onto you with My righteous right hand.
You see God is the only safety net that we need. So it’s time to get rid of your rubbish little safety net. You don’t need to hide behind anybody else anymore, let your real self out. You don’t need to hide behind your false smile anymore because you know what? It’s ok to not be ok sometimes. And you don’t need to hide behind those fronts and barriers you put up around yourself anymore, because God will protect you. He will guard your heart and give you the strength to overcome your fears and let yourself out. So I challenge you…step out of that safety net and see what happens…
The Fear of Moving Forward
Ever noticed how somebody’s reaction to a special event can impact and influence you more than the event itself? A reaction is something we cannot hide or often control. Something completely natural which tells a story all of its own. Something which, in that very moment, says everything the individual is feeling and thinking.
Picture the scene. It’s late at night. I’m sitting on my bed in Cambodia. I’m preparing staff devotions for the following day, when I stop to pray to ask for Gods leading in what to say. So I turn up to Matthew chapter 8, and I start reading the parable of Jesus casting demons out of 2 men. I’ve heard this passage a million times over, and I’ve always taken the message to be that Jesus cast demons out of 2 men – miracle. But not this time. I love it when God reveals something new to you. Something previously gone unnoticed.
Upon reading the passage this time, one verse stuck out to me so much more than the others. Verse 34: “Then the entire town came out to meet Jesus, but they begged him to go away and leave them alone.”
My immediate thought… Why on earth would a whole town who had just been rescued from demon possessed men beg their rescuer to leave them?
Some say it is because they loved their pigs (which ran off a cliff and died when the demons entered into them) and earthly possessions more than they loved Jesus, which could be true; but this is not what I felt like God was trying to reveal to me when I read this story. I felt like there was a much deeper message that He was trying to show me.
I read the passage so many times and just felt like I was missing something. I prayed and asked God to reveal it to me and I suddenly realized that I was focusing on how the story ended and was missing how the story began. Because we never really know the meaning of a story’s ending, unless we first know the beginning; do we?
So I went back to the start. And when I dared go there (yes I’m so hardcore, I know), I realized these demon possessed men were so fierce and scary that the people of the village actually couldn’t walk past them. They could go up until that point in their journey, but that point onwards was off limits and out of bounds. It was never an option to go beyond the demon possessed men in their everyday walk.
When Jesus freed these 2 men of demons, it opened up a path which previously hadn’t been available to the people of this village. He made a way where there was no way. He opened up an opportunity for them to move forward.
But the people were too scared to move forward.
This taught me a few lessons which I would love to share with you:
- Our past can rob us of our future. If we focus too much on the fears of our past, we will never escape our past. If we are always looking back we can never move forward. We must use stumbling blocks as stepping stones in life. Jesus has rescued us from our past. He has forgotten our sins and wiped the slate clean, so why do we feel the need to hold onto our past fears?
- Sometimes it is too easy to forget what Jesus saved us from. It is not good to focus on the fears of your past; but it is good to remind yourself of what Jesus has already saved and rescued you from. It is good to remind yourself of the miracles Jesus has worked in your life. Without remembering these things we can end up living our lives not close to the very one who saved us from our past – Jesus. We can end up thinking we can do it all on our own.
- But most importantly, in forgetting what Jesus has already done for us, we will find ourselves struggling to trust Him for our future. And our fear of the unknown will always hold us back.
The biggest lesson of all though? – Even when God has removed the threats of the enemy, we can actually choose to still let the enemy attack us. Even though God has dealt with the enemy, we can actually give the enemy permission to have a say in our decision to move forward. In our life changing decisions. That’s huge! And something we need to be alert to.
We must remember that if Jesus was capable to save us from our past and change our lives, then He is more than capable for our future.
Maybe God is opening up a path of opportunity in your life but you are too scared to move forward because you are scared of the unknown. Scared of change. Scared of somewhere you haven’t been before. So it’s more comfortable for you to remain at the same point in your life with the things you are familiar with…but let me challenge you to move forward.
You know, I found myself wondering what would have happened that village if they hadn’t have asked Jesus to leave. How would things have been different? But purely out of coincidence, I discovered the same story was written about in Mark 5:1-20 in more detail. One of the men who had been freed from demons actually ended up becoming a preacher in towns nearby and we are told he reached many people for Jesus.. Because he trusted Jesus for his future, and was not scared to leave his past behind and move forward, he ended up stepping into his destiny and reached many people for Jesus.
So then; what if this guy hadn’t moved forward? All of those people he had reached for Jesus wouldn’t have been reached. They wouldn’t have been introduced to Jesus.
God revealed to me that there are people out there waiting for us to move forward. This walk is not just about us, but about people on the other side of that unknown path waiting patiently for their turn to be rescued. Waiting for their turn to move forward.
So don’t be scared to move forward. Don’t be scared to trust Jesus for your future. Don’t be scared of change, and don’t let your past rob you of your future. Step forward.
‘What not to do’ Relationship Advice
What would I know about relationships I hear you all saying. I don’t have a husband. I don’t have a fiancé and I have only had a boyfriend for a short time. And on top of this I’m only 21; I know. So I guess some might say that I’m probably not the right person to be giving out relationship advice. But before you all think that I’m going to give you some ABC tips to relationships, I’m not. I mean you are probably right; my relationship status hasn’t been the most convincing to earn me the right to be known as some kinda love doctor. So, instead, I’m going to give you my list of what not to dos, mostly from my own experience, and believe me, I’m pretty sure I’m fully qualified in the what not to dos. Hopeless romantic in the literal sense of the word. So here goes. Learn from my (bad) experiences. And gain some hope from my good ones. Get ready, this is gonna be my longest blog yet!!
1. Never expect that special person in your life to come along like the fairytales made out when you were little. Disney lied to us. Finding that person to spend your life with is never perfect, easy, or quite what you expected it to be. I’m sorry, but prince charming won’t come and rescue you from a dragon, he probably won’t rescue you from a witch, he could very well rescue you from a nasty step mother and step sisters, but in that exceptional case, I’m pretty sure he won’t have long flowing locks and take you to a ball in a carriage made from a pumpkin. And guys, in this day and age, the only place you will find a perfect girl who has a talking relationship with animals, is in a mental hospital. So what’s my advice? Expect the best from the unexpected. Your prince/princess will most likely be nothing like you expected, but everything that you desired and hoped for. God knows your heart’s desires (check out Psalm 37 v 4) and will give you the very best, so be prepared to think outside of the box and step into all that God has for you.
2. A note to the ladies: Never ever pursue the guy. Call me old fashioned if you wish. Traditional girl – quite possibly!! But ladies trust me, if you start chasing a guy, you will be chasing him the rest of your life!! Don’t make it easy for him. If he wants you, he will pursue you!! Anyways, guys like a challenge!! So don’t make yourself too available!! (This does not apply to those of you who are already in a relationship by the way! By that stage it’s time to start making an effort – relationships take work from both sides!!). And guys listen up! I know it’s the 21st century and all that, but this part is never going to change. It is your job to pursue the girl, so man up and get to it!! However don’t pursue more than one person at a time! This is unfair, cruel and unbiblical!! If you don’t know which person you would prefer to be with, then don’t pursue any of them until you suss them out and get to know them a bit better! Also you definitely should never go for more than one person from the same circle of friends, which can be hard not to sometimes; I know, but it’s unfair and will end up hurting people and destroying friendships; not to mention giving yourself an awful reputation! Just be Biblical in everything and treat people how you would want to be treated yourself!
3. Make allowances for first date flaws. Ok so I’m speaking from a few experiences on this one. My sister Alicia and I always had this running joke of ‘date over’ for years. We had been on so many cringe worthy dates where the guy would make one mistake and we would deem that date to be over from that moment on! We may have been slight perfectionists… (I guess at this stage we didn’t realise the only perfect man to have ever lived was Jesus!!). The poor guys didn’t stand a chance whilst we kept this way of thinking. I once went on a cinema date with a guy, and after meeting him at the door to the cinema, about to walk in the doors, he tripped up the steps. That’s right. Upwards. Not even downwards. Upwards. That is like the worst fall known to man. I figured I would give the guy a second chance as anyone can trip. But regrettably he later went on to tell me how ‘cute’ andrex puppies were and commented on how he had the ‘sniffles’. It was a whole new level of sensitivity for me to handle in one guy. Awkward to the max in fact. That was ‘date over’ for me. I remember Alicia once had a good old predictable date to the cinema too; where at the ticket booth; her date proceeded to ask for 2 tickets to the ‘grunge’ instead of The Grudge. Alicia deemed that date to be over from that moment on. We can look back and laugh now and see how silly we were. How fussy we were even. However, we have now grown up a bit you could say, and realised that with first dates normally comes a bag of nerves, and a desperation to please, most probably equalling in some slip ups, or awkwardness, otherwise known as first date flaws. So what’s my advice? Don’t be put off by those slight hiccups!! Give it a chance and laugh at the tripping over your own feet, the possible silences, the awkward eye contact and the ability to mix up all your words in one sentence! Get to know the person, don’t write somebody off by their mistakes on a first date!!
4. Never assume. Somebody once said that when you assume it makes an a** out of U and ME. I guess that’s one way of putting it!! But I have learnt from my own experience that assuming things when flirting/ dating is not the way forward! Guys and girls don’t think the same…at all actually. Many a time I tried to convince myself that they did. But they most definitely don’t. Us girls, we read into things. Guys take note: behind everything a girl says and does there will be some form of emotion. If a girl says ‘never mind’, I’m 100% sure she does mind and you should probably ask her what’s up. If a girl says I don’t like flowers, she is most probably trying to be reserved and down to earth, but actually secretly wants you to buy her flowers as a surprise! Never ever take a girl at her word; always remember there is emotion attached with everything a girl will say. Our brains work overtime!! Guys; well they honestly just say what they are thinking, no hidden meanings I’m afraid! Girls take note: if a guy watches a programme which happens to have a wedding in it, this does not mean he wants to marry you…he may very well want to get married, possibly even get married to you, but he most certainly won’t link the wedding in the programme and the wedding to you together! If a guy says he doesn’t see himself with you in the future, or that he just sees you as a friend, I’m pretty sure he means exactly that! Don’t get false hope and think into things! Also never assume who you will end up with based on your own wants, but base this on your needs and what is good for you in God’s eyes. Look at the evidence!! For example, if you have been on 4/5 dates with a girl/guy don’t assume they will go out with you eventually if you just hang on for a few months. The reality is if they don’t want to be your boyfriend or girlfriend after about 5 dates, they probably won’t ever commit to you, nor should you settle for dating them any further without commitment there! You are worth more than that. When you know, you know…you know? It doesn’t take a round the world trip and 600 dates to discover if you want to be in a relationship with that person or not. In the same respect if the person tells you that they have to make a choice over you (whether this be staying single/ going for another girl or guy instead of going with you) then they aren’t worth it!! I have been at both ends of the stick here, so please learn from my mistakes!! My advice? Match up somebody’s words with their actions and just be open and honest with whoever you are with. And of course; don’t assume…
5. Never settle for less than the best. This is the part where it is time to trust God. If God promises us the best in life, then why would you want to settle for a lot less than that? I have seen a lot of girls especially fall under this rule. The instincts kick in about wanting to have a boyfriend and someone to lurrrrve us and so us girls, being the impatient beings that we are, decide that we can’t wait on God and so we are just going to go and get somebody ourselves. Big mistake. Girls and guys; don’t get desperate and settle for somebody you don’t really want. It is only going to end up in heartache in the long run. Be patient and focus your attention on God. The right person will come along when God knows you are ready for them. Also don’t settle for somebody who treats you less than a prince/princess. You are a son/daughter of God, the one who created us all. Do you really think God could bless an abusive, manipulative, one sided relationship which His son/daughter was involved in? No way. God wants the best for you. You are a prince/princess in God’s eyes, and that is how you should be treated. Not to spark up a diva flare in you of course, but you should always be treated with love and respect and looked after by your partner; so if you are not experiencing this kind of treatment; RUN! You deserve better, and God HAS better for you. Once again, look at their actions. Does your partner build you up or tear you down more often? Do they encourage you in everything you do, or do they get jealous and try to compete with you in anything that will progress you instead of them. Remember, a competitive spirit in a person will never thrive off seeing someone else do well. You need somebody who will be good for you. And God has that in store! So don’t settle for less than the best!
6. Never lead somebody on if you are not looking for a relationship/ don’t fancy them. Sometimes we need to stop being selfish and think of how others feel, which is hard. Sometimes we get confused and try to entertain our own needs and forget how other people are influenced by our actions. You either feel ready for a relationship or you don’t. You either fancy somebody or you don’t. If you don’t fancy somebody then don’t let that person flirt with you/txt you all the time to build up your own ego. Be straight with them. If you are not ready for a relationship then focus your attention on God and don’t meet/txt people who fancy you just to give yourself something to do until you are ready for a relationship. Actions like these are very cruel. I have been at both sides of this. I’ll be honest, not only have I settled for meeting guys who weren’t interested in a relationship with me, but I have also been the one to lead people on. It’s hard. It ends up with a lot of people getting hurt and creates a lot of confusion for both parties. So from my experience, my advice is just look to God. Search your own heart. You will know if you are ready for a relationship or not, if you fancy somebody or not. If you’re not interested in relationship/don’t fancy someone; then don’t entertain flirtyness at all, don’t txt/ring/meet up with somebody you know has a crush on you if you don’t plan on taking it any further with them. I once heard Pastor Mark Driscoll saying that you shouldn’t date unless you are ready to marry. When I first heard this I thought, ‘that’s insane!!’ But the more I began to sit down and think about it, the more I realised he was 100% right. If you plan on going with somebody for a couple of years and then breaking up, then what is the point in that; really? All it will end up in is emotional baggage and hurt. Be sensible and more importantly be honest and open with people who are into you. Give straight answers. Often if you tell somebody you are not ready for a relationship at the minute, they will take that to mean, if they hang on for a few months you will go out with them eventually. Not the case. So just be straight forward from the word go and back up your words with your actions!
7. Don’t get frustrated with singleness; be content. Be grounded in God – always remember that if having a partner is what you are putting your hope and peace in and what will ‘make you happy’, it will most likely take your focus off God the whole time you are searching for a partner, and even more so when you get one. God won’t ever settle for being second in your life. We need to realise that God is our everything. The one who will never let us down. The Bible tells us we are to seek God first, and everything else will be added onto us. Stop putting your all into finding a boyfriend/girlfriend and instead seek God and focus on building your relationship with Him. It is when you are least looking for somebody and spending your time building upon your relationship with God, that God will turn you up a partner. And I can vouch for this one!! Also when you focus on God instead of getting a partner, it means when God does bring along that special someone, you will be so in touch with God as being your number one and primary in life, that you will always ensure God sustains that number one spot throughout your relationship with your partner as the solid rock.
8. Never perceive yourself any less than how God sees you. However you perceive yourself is how others will perceive you too. Don’t be paranoid, be confident, and view yourself as how God looks upon you. Believe it or not if you become self-conscious or paranoid; even if you try your very best to conceal it, it will eventually come out! Just relax and be yourself! Confidence is attractive. Be confident in yourself and others will be confident in you too. This also applies to respect! If you respect yourself then others will respect you too. Ladies learn from my past here! I used to think the way to a guy’s heart was to show as much flesh as possible. Turns out dressing skimpy means you are not having respect for your own body and the truth is that guys will get the wrong impression when you dress skimpy. Dressing with as much skin showing as possible will mean guys won’t respect you at all and won’t see you as wife material, but more as booty call material. Respect yourselves and dress modestly. Put your self-worth in God and respecting your body as the Bible instructs and watch people respect you. It is possible to look even sexier when you dress modestly than it is when you are half naked! Dressing skimpy will spark up lust in a man rather than love. Dress modest, spark up the love in a man instead of the lust and demand respect from the word go! Men this next one is especially for you: be decisive, take action!! Men of the Bible weren’t ditzy, ‘I don’t know what I want’ kinda guys. They were strong warriors who chose a wife and became head of the household, protecting and loving that wife as Christ loved the church. Don’t dilly dally about relationships and dating. Believe me, if you dither about with relationship choices, you will either hurt a lot of people, or you will attract a woman who is bossy, abrasive and will ultimately make ALL your decisions for you rather than waiting around for you to eventually make some sort of decision. Being a decisive man is highly important! It’s Biblical!! This is how God sees His men!! Make decisions, decide what it is you want and act upon it! But all in all just relax and let God take the reins.
9. Don’t forget about common sense/practical wisdom. Assess the situation. A life partner is not just someone you live for, it’s someone you would die without – weigh up how someone makes you feel! Don’t go for someone because of clothes they wear, car they drive or house they own. It’s not a popularity competition either; don’t go for somebody because they seem to be pretty popular and everyone likes them. Look at the important areas. See where they are going in life – same place as you? How similar are your beliefs? Is your partner willing to pray with you and over you with authority? Do they willingly listen to sermons/go to church with you? Look out for that initial chemistry of course!! How much do you have in common? Would they do anything for you, or are they pretty reluctant to do something which involves a bit of effort for you? Remember to be Biblical in how you manage your relationship. A relationship should be pure!! If lust is a problem to either party the relationship can’t flourish – lust will destroy a perfectly healthy relationship as it knows no boundaries!! Sin will always take you further and deeper than you are willing to go!! Any lust issues needs dealt with by God and discipline by each side to make the relationship grow with God’s blessing. Be wise, look at the signs and be Biblical in all your actions and decisions! If you don’t know, ask God!! If you do know, ask God anyways to confirm it!!
10. Never lose sight of what’s important. Praying together keeps you together. God must be primary and at the centre. Ask God for help, be specific in prayer – it’s even a good idea to jot down some of the specific things you find yourself asking God for in a partner, and then when that person comes along you should be able to match it up to the few things you asked God for specifically in a partner. Don’t be ridiculously specific though…it should be the things that mean a lot to you e.g. somebody who wants to travel the world or somebody who is decisive etc (not taken from my list at all there of course 
lol). Get godly counsel from saved family/friends who are wise – they can see past the rose tinted glasses you will be wearing (deny it all you want but believe me, you WILL be wearing rose tinted glasses!!). Learn to never say never with God – don’t underestimate how God can put you in the right place at the right time to meet the right person!! God has ways of making the impossible, possible! And lastly, always remember you are dating a prince/princess of the most high king. Don’t treat God’s daughter/son like crap and then expect him to bless you in doing so – God cannot possibly bless that!!
What can I say? Above all else, keep God number 1, seek His wisdom always in dating and relationships. The most important decision you will make in your life after choosing to accept God, is choosing your spouse. So keeping God at the centre of everything you do is the answer to getting that massive decision right!! And finally; Enjoy every moment – you are only young once so enjoy the good times, and laugh at the bad, cringeworthy times! Learn from your mistakes, and don’t get disheartened by heartbreak – God heals hearts too you know God has the perfect partner waiting there for you…so go step into His blessing!!
Skin Deep
Make-up, fake tan, and hair dye. Short skirts and high heels. Low cut tops and push-up bras. Fake eyelashes, fake nails…maybe even fake boobs?? Plastic surgery, botox, liposuction. I mean really how many options does society give us women to cover up the natural beauty God has given us?! How far are we willing to go and much are we willing to pay to disguise who we really are? Why are we all so eager to hide behind such fake ‘masks’?
Look in any fashion magazine; on any TV program or watch any of the latest music videos and you will be surrounded by nothing but ‘perfect’ women. Perfect weight, perfect height, perfect skin, perfect hair. It really leaves women with non-celebrity status feeling undermined, inferior and pretty self-conscious in one respect or another. In a survey carried out in the UK by Dove’s Beauty Campaign; 75% of teenage girls said they felt ‘depressed, guilty and shameful’ after spending just three minutes leafing through a fashion magazine. The bad thing is that I can’t say I am one bit surprised by this figure!! The media has given us this stereotypical image of what ‘perfect’ should look like in a woman.
I have come across so many girls with low self-esteem, a low sense of self-worth and incredibly under confident due to their appearance and how they view themselves compared to how the world views them. It frustrates me because women are portrayed to look a certain way, and to fit a certain stereotype, and if we don’t, then we are made feel like we couldn’t possibly be accepted.
Ladies, God hasn’t called us to be these types of women. God tells us through and through the Bible to be bold and confident and strong in Him. “Cast not away therefore your confidence, which hath great recompense of reward. Hebrews 10:35”
We are told over and over again not to value the things of the flesh and of this world. “Do not love the world or the things in the world. If anyone loves the world, the love of the Father is not in him. For all that is in the world—the desires of the flesh and the desires of the eyes and pride in possessions—is not from the Father but is from the world. And the world is passing away along with its desires, but whoever does the will of God abides forever. 1 John 2:15-17”.
We are told how precious and valuable we are to God, how we were made in God’s image and how we have to look after our bodies because they are the temple of the living God. Yet it frustrates me how 1 in 4 women admit that they would consider having plastic surgery!! Woman, you were made in the image of God! God is perfect, that means you are perfect, you don’t have to change!!
So why then, after being told all these things, do we doubt how beautiful we are inside and out? Why then do we feel we have to change ourselves to be admired?
I have to admit that I myself have fallen under the commands of the media stereotype. Before I was a Christian, I went the whole hog to look ‘perfect’, thinking we were only admired because of our looks. Thinking the only thing worth striving for in life was to have every guy wanting to be with me, and every girl wanting to be me! How superficial!! I am glad that God saved me out of that pit of destruction!! I discovered that the media promoted the ‘less is more’ idea upon clothing rather than being directed towards natural beauty. We are made to feel that the only way to be admired is to strip off! How demeaning!! How incredibly wrong is that theory?! Yet it is so believable by so many women. Let’s hear what the Bible tells us: “Likewise also that women should adorn themselves in respectable apparel, with modesty and self-control, not with braided hair and gold or pearls or costly attire. 1 Timothy 2:9” The truth is, by stripping off our clothes, we are losing our modesty and are more likely to be disrespected rather than being treated like the princesses God wants us to be. Why would we settle for that when God has so much more for us ladies?!
The Bible is the direct word from God. It is the truth! “Don’t be concerned about the outward beauty of fancy hairstyles, expensive jewellery, or beautiful clothes. You should clothe yourselves instead with the beauty that comes from within, the unfading beauty of a gentle and quiet spirit, which is so precious to God. 1st Peter 3:3-4” Lets shape our lives around this truth from God. Does this mean we can’t wear make up or nice clothes etc? NO! Of course it doesn’t. But it does mean that we shouldn’t be ruled by them. We should be completely focused on God and let the beauty of the Holy Spirit shine out of us! We are natural beauties, formed by God, chosen by God. It’s time to stop being self-conscious about how we look. Love yourself and be confident! I am so fed up of seeing beautiful women putting themselves down, feeling not good enough and being so under confident for no reason. God has the gift of confidence waiting for you! So go accept it!!
Believe me when I say that I can see so much beauty in every single woman. And I don’t say that in a cheesey patronising way. I say it honestly. From the girl who used to dress skimpy, wear loads of make up, peroxide my hair to the max; to the girl who is now confident in who she is, dresses modestly and for the first time in her life feels happy with her inner beauty…take my word for it! I have tried both sides, and the thing that has made me truly happy is accepting myself.
Just remember…others will always view you how you view yourself. If you don’t like yourself, neither will others!! Start believing how much God values you and forget the lies of the devil! If God doesn’t think it about you then you shouldn’t be thinking it either! Stand up straight, put your shoulders back, lift your head up high and walk with confidence girl! You are everything in God, don’t ever doubt yourself!!
